30 Things I've Learned in 30 Years

You probably clicked on this link expecting to see a list of 30 bolded bullet points that you would scroll through.  Well, the title was a lie!!! Muahaha!  And that's because life isn't best lived from a list of suggestions and ideas.  Life isn't bolded lists and Buzzfeed.  Life is a paragraph and ellipsis...

So, in 30 years here is what I have learned.  I've learned that just because you read a post on the internet of 25 Places You Should Visit Before You Die, you won't necessarily go to those places.  I've learned that posting a photo about the diet you want to do on Instagram, doesn't mean you'll actually follow it and loose the weight. And here's why... 

Life is lived with action, passion and energy.  Life is full of awesomeness and excitement, especially when it's lived by following God, loving others and working hard.

But, more than anything, I've learned that I have a lot of learning left to do.  I'm looking forward to another 30 years of learning through action, risk, hope, triumphs and mistakes. And not by reading lists on the internet. Wouldn't you agree?

In Between

I graduated college in 2007 and took an internship with XXXchurch.com.  I only lasted a few months before the head of the intern program told me I wasn't a good fit and I was asked to move on, aka I was fired.  I moved home to live with my parents and took the first job that I could get, packing and shipping boxes from a warehouse.  I was really good at it and quickly became the lead shipper.  It wasn't glamorous or exciting but I tried to make the most of it.  I never missed a day, showed up on time and worked hard.  I eventually was promoted to a graphic design position after about a year and a half.   I did that for seven months until I quit to work for myself as the owner of Brooke Courtney Photography and walk in love. That story isn't glamorous or flattering by any means, but either is the land in between.  The land in between jobs, careers, life paths, big decisions is never really glamorous.  If it were  it wouldn't be considered in between.  I talk with a lot of young people on a day to day basis and when you ask most young ppeople (15-25 years old) what they want to do with their lives they have no shortage of ideas, vision or buzz words.  If you follow up that questions with, "Well, what are you doing to make it happen?"  The excitement fades and you usually hear a couple of popular excuses like, "I don't have any time right now",  "I am just waiting until I get some of my debt paid off", "Its really hard to find a job like that",  It's the economy."  The list goes on and on.  Lots of vision is usually crippled with lots of excuses, which leads to living in between.

Now let me fill in some of the missing parts of my story above.  While working in the warehouse I took every extra penny that didn't go towards bills, college loans and life and put it toward t-shirts.  I didn't really go out with friends or buy new clothes unless it was a box of walk in love. shirts that I could sell.  I would get home from my job where I shipped boxes all day and I would ship shirts out of my basement.  I would come home from staring at my shipping computer all day and I would look at my computer to design new shirts, come up with new ideas, find a way to grow walk in love.  When I was given the idea of a kiosk by my father-in-law I took my vacation days so I could run it.  I took my vacation for 3 days so I could sit in the mall from open to close and sell shirts from a rinky dink kiosk.  The following year I saved up 2 weeks of vacation and took them again so I could do the same thing.  The next year when I didn't have enough vacation days and had to hire people to work the kiosk, I would spend my nights working at the mall.  I would finish my actual job, eat dinner and work at the mall until it closed.  The gaps in the story above are filled with hard work, sacrifice and doing things that I didn't always want to do but had to be done.

It's so frustrating to me when I talk to In Betweeners about what they want to do and they can have vision shooting out of their butts like rainbows but when it actually comes to making it happen they are lost.  It's like I am the first person to ever challenge them to work hard to make it happen.  If it isn't literally falling into their lap they aren't ready to make a single sacrifice for their dream to come true.  That is a recipe for a lot of regret, sadness and disappointment.

When I look back to my days in between I am so thankful for them.  They taught me that I had to get up every day and make it happen at work, make it happen at home so I could make it happen for my future.  I remember when I finally started being self employed I felt like I had way too much time because for over 2 years I was doing another job while trying to be self employed.  It was awesome.  I had trained myself to work hard with very little time that when I had more of it I was excited!  I wasn't lost, trying to figure out how to fill it.  I love the land in between.  I love that it's filled with the grittier side of life.  I don't ever want to lose the feeling of being in between and that's why Brooke and I are always asking each other "What's next?"  We always want to be in between something worse and something better.

So, if you are in between I have some advice for you.

1. Work hard.  Never stop working hard.  If you want something to happen in your life you have to work hard.  No one is going to give you anything just because you show up.  It's not 3rd grade soccer anymore.  I have noticed that a lot of young people think they are working hard, but actually aren't.  Find someone who you know works hard and follow them for a couple of days to see what hard work actually looks like.  Hard work is not something that comes natural.  It takes practice and dedication to work hard.

2. Stick with it!  If you want to do something stick with it.  Don't just give up on it because it's hard. Here is a little secret - every job or life path has it's challenges, they are all going to be hard at times!  When you stick with something you are passionate about it makes the difficulties worth it.

3. It takes time.  A new website, facebook page or youtube video isn't going to launch you into a life of success and gold toilets.  The truth is you might not ever make it.  You may never achieve the success that you hope to, but that doesn't mean you give up or don't put everything you have into making it happen.

4. We are always in between. Whether you are the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or working the night shift at Wal-Mart we are all in between this life and the balcony of heaven.  Knowing that and trusting God helps put things in perspective.  It encourages us in defeat and keeps us humble in victory. It reminds us what we are working for and keeps us moving forward with a purpose.

5. Be Happy!  Living in between can create a lot of bitterness and resentment toward people who get out of it and move forward.  Don't let it get to you.  Don't let it steal your joy.  Stay happy and keep moving on. Work hard, stay humble, trust God and keep going!

Failure is Always an Option

A little over six months ago, I was driving down the Garden State Parkway with a van full of supplies, plywood, power tools and excitement.  Brooke and I were about to start our newest adventure and we were filled with excitement at the possibilities this new endeavor might bring.  We started the month of April with 19 days of hard work.  We planned, built and filled an entire walk in love. store in 19 days!  We knew the season would start slow, so we weren't going to let low sales figures disappoint us for several weeks.  Local shop owners told us that it picked up around Memorial Day, slowed down for a few weeks and then really picked up at the end of June, leading into the 4th of July.  So, I waited for Labor Day to come.  Labor Day came and sales went up a little, then back down again.  Then the end of June came and we started to get worried.  Sales were still very low.  Both our Lancaster and Online Store were beating Stone Harbor on a daily basis during what we heard was "the busy season".  Brooke and I started having conversations about what we would do, what this meant and how we would respond.  To be honest, there were times when walk in love. seemed to be coming to an end mentally.  I remember thinking that if I couldn't get a second store off the ground then what was I going to do in the future?  How would growth come?  Was this the beginning of the end?  Could I recover from the money I saw us losing? The 4th of July came and went and nothing spectacular happened.  We were still doing better in Lancaster and Online.  We had conversations about trying Stone Harbor for another year and just going at it even harder.  We started really, really talking about the future and what it looked like.  What did walk in love. look like in 1, 2 or 10 years down the road.  We started talking about things we loved and things we were good at. At almost all at once, a shift took place that forever changed the future of our business.  It's a shift that could have never taken place before Stone Harbor because we had never failed like Stone Harbor.  Failure has become the catalyst for great change in our company that we so dearly love and care for!  Within a month of this shift, we launched a new website and a collection that has been our best ever!  Our goal was to have our Online store be the most successful branch of walk in love. and last week it was the closest it has ever been.

I can really get down on myself for failure.  It is the number one thing I fear.  I fear that if I fail at something people will laugh at me.  All I could see during those first few months of the Stone Harbor store suffering was myself, my failure and what that meant to me.  It was like I staring at a single drop of water right in front of me and failing to see the entire ocean behind it.  An ocean that is filled with possibilities and adventure.  Yes, it will probably have a few failures mixed in but without those failures there is no room for growth to take place.  There is a popular phrase that we hear in movies and speeches - "Failure is not an option."  But, to be honest, that is a bunch of crap.  Failure is always an option.  Failure is real and it is always there.  Failure being a very real option gives us the drive and passion not to end up there.  Failure being an option is what makes the tough decisions really mean something.

I use to hide from failure.  I would run away from it and just play it safe.  Playing it safe will land you a mediocre life and purpose.

The past two days I was in the Stone Harbor store packing it all up for good.  It is closed.  It simply wasn't successful enough to keep going.  It was a failure, but without it we wouldn't have a new website, new collection and something so new and exciting on the horizon that wish I could tell you about right now, but I have to wait!  Trust me, it's really awesome.

Failure will always be met with criticism of others from the sideline and you have to push that aside and look at the lessons it taught you and the growth it provided.  Failure will always lead to growth if you'll allow it. If you can look past the drop of water and see the ocean for what it can be.

In closing I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by Teddy Roosevelt:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Thanks,

T.J.

Life to the Full

My older brother, Nick, has always had John 10:10 as his favorite bible verse. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

It's an amazing verse and I am constantly reminded of it because of Nick.  He would always notice when things said "10:10."  Clocks, timers, signs, phone numbers, whatever it was Nick would always notice and point it out.  Because of that, I now have a similar awareness to the numbers.  It's such a great reminder through out the day.  Jesus, whom I love and follow, came to earth so that I may have a full life.  It's a promise and a challenge to hear that voice.  It's a promise to hear Jesus blessing us with that full life through his forgiveness, but it's also a challenge to take those words, let them sink in, and then go out and live a full life.

I love running at night.  It's cool, quiet, peaceful.  The other night while I was running (a painful five miles), I started to really think about the phrase "living a full life."  I started to think about all the things that have blocked me from living a full life and all the things out there that stop others from living a full life as well.  So, I compiled a list in my head and I will share it with you in "Jeff Foxworthy style".  Obviously this isn't a complete list, but I hope you take it and are challenged by it to start living a full life.

If you wake up and are miserable, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you hate going to your job, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you complain about everything, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you don't enjoy your kids, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you don't like your husband/wife, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you don't try your hardest at everything, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you don't stand up for the things you believe in, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you have no confidence, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you are overweight or obese and hate being that way, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you don't take care of your body, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you hoard all your money and don't give any of it away, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you think you know everything, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you've wronged someone and never tried to make amends, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you complain about the way things are and make no attempts to change them, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you never take any risk, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you can't laugh at yourself, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you are always in front of your phone/screen, you aren't living a life to the full.

If you never give your opinion and always take the middle road, you aren't living a life to the full.

If your life feels empty and without purpose, you aren't living a life to the full.

Again, this isn't an exhaustive list, but hopefully it gets you thinking of what type of life you are living.  I know there are times when I fall into some of these traps, but I have people and things in place to help get me out of them.  I decided that when Brooke and I got married that I would never just let us settle for an average life.  Jesus is the opposite of average.  He didn't come to earth, live, teach and die on a cross for you to live an average life.  The great commission isn't an average life.  So stop!  Stop living your average life.  Stop thinking that it's someone else's fault your life isn't more fulfilling. Stop blaming others over things that are your fault.  Start living the life that Jesus called you to live.  Start living a life to the full.

Four Years

*Brooke normally proof reads my posts but I wanted this to be a surprise so if something is spelled wrong, deal with it because surprises rule!* Brooke and I have been married for four years today.  So like on most milestone dates I am feeling a bit nostalgic.  I have been listening to songs that remind me of my lovely wife.  I have scrolled through some older photos.  I have asked her a few times what her favorite memories were over the past few weeks.  People sometimes label me as an intimidating guy and think that I am all business all the time, but I do actually have quite the soft side and today I have felt what Brooke and I call, "love waves" all day.  I am overwhelmed with the idea that another person could love me the way that Brooke does.

My mom always tells the two of us that she has never seen or witnessed a more compatible couple in her life.  She is constantly amazed at how well we get along and how easy our first years of marriage have been.  I reply with the same thing every time she compliments us in that way, "It's because Brooke is so amazing."

I have an amazing wife.  I am so blessed, lucky and thankful for her presence in my life every day.  I never thought that I would enjoy my marriage and life as much as I do.  It's gone above and beyond any expectations I ever had and I still think the best is yet to come.

So with that as a preface I would like to dish out some marriage advice to everyone.

-Never stop dancing and singing.  I dance and sing around Brooke all the time.  It doesn't matter if she is watching TV or brushing her teeth I will dance and sing for her for one reason and one reason alone.  To make her smile and laugh.  I always tell her my only goal in life is to just get a little more of her attention.  I think husbands should be willing to do anything to make their wives smile.  I am not a great dancer and the songs I make up to sing are totally ridiculous but if Brooke smiles it's well worth it.  Brooke will now dance or sing when I don't expect it and nothing makes me happier.  Make each other smile, laugh and enjoy life.  Dance and sing a little more.

-Dream.  I kind of dislike that I just wrote dream with a period behind it because I think that's pretty cheesy but it's a great thing to do with your spouse.  I think we settle a lot in life but settling with your spouse should never be an option.  You should always be working, moving, climbing to help make the other persons dreams come true.  Some are easy and some will take years but stop settling for an average life and start living the life your spouse dreams about.

-Stop screaming.  Brooke has a naturally raspy voice and can't speak very loud so she can't scream.  I am not allowed to raise my voice in any argument because Brooke can't raise hers.  Because of this we never do and our disagreements never really reach argument level because we never do more than talk it out.

-Go on more walks.  Brooke and I walk almost every day together.  It gets us out of our house, away from our screens and talking to each other.  More of our ideas have started with a walk then anything else.

-Do the Dishes or the Laundry.  When Brooke and I first got married I made a deal with her.  I told her that if she always does the dishes then I will always do the laundry.  I HATE doing dishes.  It's probably the greatest deal I've ever made but Brooke doesn't like laundry so it's worked out well for both of us.  Plus, if I ever really want to score some points with her I will just do the dishes.  It's probably the best piece of advice I will ever give on this blog.  One person do the dishes and one do the laundry!  Switch if you need a change of pace every once in a while.  There is no reason why one person should be doing both those crappy jobs in a household.

-Learn to love what they love.  If you saw the way my college room looked like and now see what my house looks like you would be amazed.  In college and even when I met Brooke I could have cared less what my living space looked like as long as it had a TV and an XBOX, but now I do care.  I have learned to love what Brooke loves and she loves making our house look amazing!  Appreciate what they love, learn about it and through that you will learn to love it and it will be another awesome way for you to connect with each other.

Exercise and diet.  Stay lean mean and sexy for your spouse.  Everyone wins when that happens!  Heyo!!

Live full lives.  Follow Jesus, love each other and do great things!

Obviously this isn't an extensive list of things but sometimes it's just a few things here and there that will make all the difference.  Marriage is totally awesome and if you haven't been treating it that way then you should start today!